


I Think I Do

by Firelight47



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depressed Dean Winchester, Destiel - Freeform, Love Confessions, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love, Worried Castiel, or is it????
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-08-01
Packaged: 2019-06-19 23:51:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15521463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firelight47/pseuds/Firelight47
Summary: Dean locked himself away to drink and forget about what's causing this bout of depression. But something goes wrong and he finds himself in the bathroom with a razor blade.***TW Self Harm/ Suicidal Thoughts***





	I Think I Do

Dean took another swig from the whiskey bottle he was holding. He'd holed himself in his room because his thoughts had taken over the more rational side of his head. He was sure Sam didn't want him around and he knew for certain that Cas didn't. Cas had left the bunker to go off on his own, which was taken as _I don't want to be anywhere near you, Dean_

Dean was feeling lower than he had felt in several months, and his self depreciating thoughts weren't helping. It was swinging between _no one cares about you, no one wants to be around you, no one loves you_ and most prominently, _Cas doesn't love you_. 

Dean had always felt that the relationship between him and and Cas was different, but he'd always figured it was just because Cas was an angel and their kind of friendship differed from that with another human. But then he noticed that it was only with Cas that he felt something more distinct; more of a mix of nervousness and joy rather than just a sense of calm he got when being around Sam or Garth or Benny. And it wasn't until Cas had left him that he'd also felt what could only be described as heartbreak. And that, that's when Dean knew he was in love with Cas.

But it didn't matter now. Cas was gone, and his love was obviously unrequited. He drank the last of the whiskey bottle and flopped onto his bed. He wanted everything to be over with, he wanted to be done. 

_You've disappointed everyone you love_

_Why don't you just kill yourself already_

_It's not like anyone would miss you_

_Just get it over with_

Dean felt tears forming in his eyes. He rubbed them away with his sleeve. His head hurt from the thoughts pounding in it. He got up and sneaked away into the bathroom. He splashed cold water onto his face and stared at his red rimmed eyes, drained of all light they'd previously had. He looked down at the sink and clenched his eyes shut.

_What are you waiting for_

_Just **die**_

Dean let out a quiet sob. He looked over to the shower; or, more accurately, the razor in the shower. Dean looked away. He tried to stay strong. He really tried.

************************  
Cas stormed into the bunker.

"Hey Cas, what's wrong?" Cas ignored Sam and walked towards Dean's room. Sam followed for a bit before Cas stopped him.

"I think it's best if you wait downstairs." Sam nodded and walked away.

Cas knocked on Dean's door and was met with silence. He knocked again before barging in. 

"Dean?" No answer. "Dean where are you?"

Cas walked around his room and found three empty beers and an empty whiskey bottle on the ground. Cas's breathing quickened. He knew Dean did stupid things when he was drunk. Cas walked out of his room and noticed the light in the bathroom was on. He peeked around the corner to see Sam sitting at the table with a book. Cas walked back over to the bathroom door and knocked. No answer.

"Dean?" He hoped Dean would let him in once he realized it was him.

"Cas?" Dean's voice cracked.

"Dean, let me in. Please." The door unlocked and Dean pulled his sleeves down to cover the new cuts embedded in his arm. Cas walked in and looked at the very broken Dean Winchester.

"Why are you here, Cas?" Dean glanced at the blade which he'd forgotten to hide before looking back to Cas. 

"I sensed your longing," Cas looked around the room and inevitably noticed the razor blade, "Dean, what did you do?" He almost sounded angry.

"Nothing Cas, and i wasn't longing for you to be here. Just go." Dean turned around but Cas grabbed his wrist and turned him back before pulling up his sleeves revealing the damage he'd done to himself. 

"Why did you do this to yourself?" Cas was taken aback by how much blood was smeared across Dean's forearm.

"Why do you care, Cas? You don't care about me so don't start pretending you do, okay?" Dean tried to yank his arm back but Cas's grip wouldn't let up.

"Dean, I care a great deal about you. Why would you think otherwise?"

"Because you left, Cas! You left when we- when _I_ \- needed you! So you obviously don't care that much." Tears had begun to run down Dean's face.

"If I didn't care, why would I be here?"

"I don't know! Maybe you decided to check in and Sammy told you I locked myself away in my room. Maybe its because-"

"It's because I love you, Dean!"

"You...what?" Dean's voice was quiet and small.

"I love you. And I care about you far too much to watch you do this to yourself. So please, Dean, just stop."

Dean turned away and rubbed his eyes.

"You can't possibly love me."

"And why not?" 

"Because that's what I've told myself. Because I love you too and that... that is too good to be true."

"Do you really think so low of yourself that you think you're incapable of being loved?" Cas knew the answer, but he was hoping he was wrong. And when Dean didn't reply, he knew he wasn't. So Cas did the most logical thing he could think of and kissed Dean. 

Cas pulled away, "I love you, Dean Winchester, even though you don't believe you can be; I do." Cas kissed him again, this time Dean returned the gesture. Cas pulled away before hugging Dean, "So do me a favor and start believing."

A smile spread across Dean's face, "I think I do."

**Author's Note:**

> Wassup I've written another angsty fic. But don't worry almost all of mine will have happy endings. I hope you've enjoyed reading it :)


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